Guidelines for the Dummy

I am not as complicated as most people thing. I am rather simple actually.
If I am

1. Angry- Hug me and/or talk to me about happier times until I forget.
2. Sad- Hold me and/or sing me a song
3. Happy- Enjoy it
4. On my period- I'll take pills, you take me out
5. Confused about how you really feel- Grab my face and kiss me
   
   See? Simple as that.
   
   

The Poring of Light

After a very fun and eventful all-nighter I agreed to go to church with Birdy to hear Charming's lesson. Following an hour nap the three of us got up to get ourselves ready for church. I think I slept through all if not most of sacrament meeting. Afterward we slugged our way across the hall. Birdy and I took the front row and Charming took the head of the class. He was as handsome as ever in his suit jacket and tie, teaching the word of God. I don't remember the topic of the discussion but somewhere in that hour a light turned on and triggered a whole stream of thoughts and realizations. I had been becoming immune to my ability to distinguish good from bad one situation at a time. It was on that day, the 22 of April, that I decided I needed to make a change.

I went back to my apartment and prayed harder than I thought I could. I was finally seeing where I needed to go and I knew I had to do this for me. It took me 3 days to muster up the courage to pull away from Boy. I instantly felt like I was doing the right thing. But the pain I knew he felt tortured me day in and day out for a month before I finally accepted that it was for the better. 

I didn't dare entertain thoughts of being with Charming, not when we were so close to the end of the school year and long distance relationships never work for me. I decided to move on with out either of them. I was sure I could be a strong and independent woman. So strong I even fake married my best friend Birdy. I tried to ignore the depth of his blue eyes and the soft curl of his smile. I pushed away the feelings of comfort I felt being in his presence. I did everything I could but no matter how hard I tried I could not get him out of my head. I could feel the tugging on my heart the moment he walked into the same room as me. I couldn't resist the safety of his arms. In a matter of days I was in love and there was no denying it.

The Battle

I met a very handsome boy in my dance class who was a total goof. His cha-cha was springy and his polka was... Well, let's call it energetic. We swapped numbers to practice outside of class before our evaluations and had a lot of fun. I was still with the other boy (shall we call him... Boy?) so even though we both saw something growing between us, we knew it wasn't going to work. It was just a small infatuation. A fling. I left it at that and went home to my Boy for another night of video games and guilty stabs to the heart.

I loved my Boy. I know I did. Love is the most powerful magic in all of existence. But all magic must come at a price. Somewhere in my story love had lost its luster.... its purity. Now I was tied to this boy by chains of guilt and empathy. I knew if I turned away from him I would be tearing out his heart in the process. I had to stay to protect the dreams and happiness that he so tightly held on to. There was no other option.

I continued to go to my classes and friend parties as though life were as perfect and happy as it ever had been. The more time I spent with my friends the more empty I began to feel when I went back to my Boy. I would have dreams that would turn into nightmares that would wake me in the dead of night. With each cold sweat inducing nightmare came a deeper emptiness in my chest. On top of that I was fighting the seemingly increasing gravitational pull I felt toward this rather Charming goof in my dance class. I fought and fought until a greater power intervened.

How It Began

I met a boy in high school who was everything I could dream of; he was selfless, kind, giving, prayerful, honest, soft... He was the quiet humble type who kept to himself. He never spoke ill of anyone and was always the bringer of peace in any situation. He was a great listener and so funny in his own little ways. I was in love and I was going to marry him. It only made sense.

We hit some bumpy seas and things started to fall apart. We broke it off the summer before college but were back together again the following January but our situation turned...dark. Thinks we were doing were not in line with the teachings of the church, nor were they situations that made me feel good about myself. I hated it...but I loved him. So I stayed. I was going to change us both and this was going to be a happily ever after!
One night I knelt down to pray for guidance and strength. It had been so long since I had prayed that it was hard to even begin. Time started to pass by in chunks of 5 minutes at a time...10 minutes had passed... 15....25... After an unmeasured amount of time I took a deep breathe and pushed the words from my chest, "Father in Heaven, is this the man I am to marry?" It was not my intent to ask this question. It wasn't even on my mind. But never the less He whispered my answer.
I tried to continue on my way as though nothing had ever happened. It just means not now, that is all. I had just become really great friends with a girl from  the last play I stage crewed for. She was so much fun and was quite the bird of fun. We went to all-nighters, movie parties, sleep overs, all that exciting stuff you can only ever do when you live away from home. One day I went to her ward with her, (let's call her Birdy) and felt the Spirit for the first time in a very long time. The Sunday School lesson was the very thing I needed to open my heart and mind so that I could see the truth. So that I could see what I needed to do for myself. I ended our troubling relationship.
Though I knew it was best I still loved him. My heart broke knowing he was in pain and I started falling into an abyss of sorrow. It was there, on the edge of doubt and regret, that a hand reached out and grabbed me. With his soft voice he sang my hymns of comfort. With his soft touch he wiped away my tears. With his soft step he danced his way into my heart. I found my Charming. He had been there for months and I hadn't even realized it. 

Intro

I don't believe in love at first sight.
I don't believe in fairy tale endings in this lifetime.
I don't believe in one true love.
I don't believe that love is some thing that finds us.

I believe in love that grows out of trust and friendship. I believe in happily ever after in eternal life with true love. I believe there is a truest love and I believe it is something that we have to find ourselves. The trick is not finding the person, but knowing we have found them when we do cross paths. We find out how true the love is that is shared only after it has been tested. As for me, my test will begin on October 17th and last approximately 24 months.